Who Would You Be Without Your Stories? -- Random thoughts of one Sunday morning

We make up stories every day, about ourselves, others, the world, the planet, the universe, this life, past life, after life. We make up angry stories, happy stories, sad stories, personal stories, group stories. Why do we make up stories? To feel real, to get ground under our feet.

If we strip off all our stories, our relationships, our work, our bank balance, our emotions, our race, our gender, our dreams, our addictions, our illness, our worries, Who would we be?

Once we asked a 6-years-old child if we are all different, she said, "We are not different, we are not the same, we are nothing." I later found out the child had Asperger Syndrome. I can't help wondering whose perception of the world is more true, and why it is that we need to put labels on people and things which are too big for us to understand.

Most of the time, our stories don't start with us, they started with our parents, our teachers, our ancestors....it is called history. But would histories be histories if we stop telling them? What would the world be without literature, art, movies which are all forms of story-telling?

So maybe the point of my story today is not that we should stop telling stories, it is impossible anyway, but to have the awareness when our minds are making up stories. I guess some people call that meditation. And if we can't stop making up stories we might as well make up good ones, so they are transform into literature, poetry, paintings, ceramics, sculptures, dance, music, instead of rants on Facebook, soap operas, reality shows and trashy magazines?

Have a nice Sunday, end of story.

永恆的戀人

「我們每個人肯定都有一肚子的故事，可以告訴別人，只不過，我們未必清楚我們有那些故事，以及為什麼這些故事對我們而言很重要，寫作能夠幫助我們了解這點，以及幫我們搞清楚為什麼有必要趕緊將這些故事跟別人分享。只要我們認真想想，說不定我們的故事能幫助我們了解此生應修的課題。」- 瑪莉.派佛，用你的筆改變世界

記得我從小就喜歡作文課，功課常都得甲。現在想想不是我會寫，而是我會寫老師想聽的。一般，老師出了題目，例如「我的志願」後，通常都會給個「引子」， 擧些例子。我很小就學會了「順者昌、逆者亡」的道理。

直到初二（我下兩屆才有九年國教），有天不知為何作文功課竟然是自由發揮。我記得那是個周末，我也不知那來的靈感，竟寫了我這輩子第一篇小說，關於一個小孩離家出走，最後飢寒交迫死在外面，臨終時想著他的家人，懊悔萬分。我自己都感動的哭了，結果我得到的是「丙」，記不得是那位老師和實際的評語了，大約是「胡思亂想、誇張不實」之類的。從此我沒寫過小說。

大學我唸的是德文，但我最喜歡上的課是劉光義老師的國文課。喜歡老師冷面笑匠的幽默和憂國憂民的情懷，當然還有常被老師讚賞我「文筆犀利」的虛榮。 大學時代開始寫日記，飄泊這麼多年後，母親姊姊還幫我保留著，很感激。後來翻閱，全是令人汗顏的少女情懷，每篇都像剝玟瑰花辨一樣：他愛我?他不愛我?看完領悟到其實那份與生具來的不安全感並未因歲月而減少。

大學畢業後不久我就結婚去了澳洲。兩年後回到台灣在不同雜誌社(2001, 薇薇）做過編輯，但那時只覺得是我的外文能力和我在國外居住旅行的經驗讓我受雇，完全和文筆沒関係。後來在一個很偶而的機緣下受雇於一家美商公司的臺灣分公司，這是我人生的第一個大轉彎。
它開拓了我的視野，也讓我有機會在美國住了二十年。回想一下，那時工作領域中我最喜歡
的，除了產品開發，還是做公司和廠商的溝通橋樑。

後來重新開始寫作是2001年9/11世貿大樓事件後搬到華盛頓州鄉下的事了。鄉居生活其實很適合寫作，有一年我每天早上都寫三四個小時，但我不知道該如何和人分享，寫的東西也沈封箱底。後來很幸運的，免費的有機會上了六個學分的大學人文課程。這個課程譲我覺醒，發現自己對西方文化的認識竟是如此的膚淺和扭曲。另外一個收獲是課程中交的寫作作業都受到老師的嘉評，這是莫大的鼓舞，使我對自己英文寫作的能力愈加有信心。

2010年無心插柳，由圖書館借來一本傻瓜部落格指南，沒想到十分鐘我就變成部落客了。去年我又來了個生命大轉彎，搬回台灣定居。經過九個月的身心安頓最近在才在家𥚃裝了WiFi, 目前我是用我的iPad在寫。

最近我告訴一位朋友，情人來來去去，事業起起伏伏，唯一不離不棄，多次把我從絕望、悲傷、鬱悶中解救出來的是閱讀和寫作。她們才是我永恆的戀人。

後記：現在再加上新歡：畫畫

回家 Homecoming

我又回家了。 回到我長大的新竹，住在母親眷村改建的新公寓，離我出生已被拆除的空軍五村只有十分鐘。舊家部分變成了停車場，不久前搭了個牌樓。它一夜間出現，好像UFO。後來有演歌仔戲，聽說還是明華圓的，也有議員來演講。

十八歲離家去台北上大學好像飛出籠的鳥， 萬萬沒想到四十年候我又回到原點，想的還是同樣的問題，我是誰？

我過去二十年住在美國，過去的部落格是用英文寫的。不光是語言文字，我的思考和夢也不是單語的。這一奌就令人抓狂了。用英文寫還是中文寫?我的讀者是誰?著名而且是我崇拜的作家哈金在「他鄉寫作」一書中寫到，＂作家在開始其職業寫作生涯時往往反覆自問亞里斯多德提出的問題：為誰寫?以什麼身分寫?為誰的利益而寫?在這三個問題中，「以什麼身分寫作」最令人困惑，因為涉及到作家的身份認同及傳統，而這兩者往往不以人的意志決定，隨時都在改變。"

所以，身分的問題就留給時間吧。為誰寫和為誰的利益而寫比較好回答?誠實地說，為我自己。但是我希望，由閲讀中你偶而找到自己的答案。

I am back home again, back to Hsinchu, living with my mother, at an apartment 10 minutes from my birth place, an air force compound. Part of it has been converted into a parking lot. Awhile ago, a ceremonial temple-like structure was erected overnight, like an UFO. They invited a Taiwanese opera troup to perform and some politicians gave speech at the show.

When I left home at 18, I was like a bird out of a cage, 40 years later, I am back to where I started, asking the same question - Who am I?

I lived in the United States for the past 20 years. My past blogs were written in English. To write in Chinese or English has been always an issue. Ha Jin, a Chinese writer who writes mostly in English, wrote in his book "The Writer as Migrant" , "When a writer started his writing career he repeatedly asked himself three Aristotlen questions: Writing for whom? Writing from Whom? Writing for
whose benefit? ...Among these three questions, Writing from Whom is the most difficult to answer as it involves the writer's identity and tradition, neither was a matter of will, and it changes with time."

That being said, I will leave the question of identity to time。Whom am I writing for and for whose benefit? Honestly? I am writing for myself, and hopefully once in awhile you find your own answers from reading my writing, like I have done with gratitude from many, many of the writers before me.