You Don't Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right

"You Don't Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right" is a book I picked up at a garage sale last summer. It was written by Rabbi Brad Hirschfield, the president of the National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, and a cohost of radio shows and TV series. I had never heard of him before but the title caught my eye, arouse my curiosity and it was marked 25 cents.

The book turned out to be a good read. Hirschfiled was a good story teller; personable, eloquent and convincing. From the stories he won my respect as someone who not only talked the talk but also walked the walk. He backed up his insights with real believable life experiences. I highly recommend it.

While I was reading the book and immediately after, "You don't have to be wrong for me to be right" became my daily koan and I was shocked as how much I did and behaved exactly the opposite - "For me to be right, you have to be wrong"! After the shock came the self-examination and I realized this unconscious habitual reaction to someone who disagreed or upset me was a learned response. I learned how to deal with conflicts primarily from my parents. When they disagreed they fought, my mother usually gave in, they made peace, until the next time or they complained to the third party, us, the children. My father's way to express disagreements was through anger and shouting; my mother through crying and silence. When disagreements erupted among the kids it didn't help when I was always made the "right" one because I was the youngest. Once I had a better understanding of how I learned my conflict-dealing skills I felt better about my lack of them. It is never too late to unlearn the old and learn anew. I have two koans now, the first is "you don't have to be wrong for me to be right". It nabs arguments right in the bud because there is nothing to prove. The second one is "I don't have to be wrong for you to be right." I think the second one might be even more helpful for women as we generally tend to assume guilt readily, for the sake of peace!

So, what is your koan today?